Sleeping With the Enemy
by Star Darling
Summary: Wesley POV after sleeping w/ Lilah in S3 finale. I posted it before but it's longer and more conclusive now. Please R&R.


Disclaimer: Not mine. Unfortunately.  
  
  
  
She's gone. Thank God. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate that woman. Which begs the question why did I sleep with her? It's a good question and I know just who to blame: my "friends". They're the ones who pushed me this far, and they're the only ones who will be able to bring me back. They don't know that, they don't care. Take Gunn, for instance, coming here to beg me to help his precious Fred. Why should I care what happens to her? She sure as hell didn't care how it affected me when she came to my hospital room that day. Granted, I was the one in the wrong, and the fake prophecy screwed everything up…but I did what I had to do and the overall outcome wasn't that bad.  
  
I mean, Connor's back. Don't they realize I didn't screw up as badly as they think I did? Angel's son is still alive! He didn't die because of me. True, Angel missed his childhood, but he can make that up now, can't he? Even if he can, none of them will come around here to welcome me back. I'd have to go beg and grovel for forgiveness that I most likely wouldn't get. My pride can't handle that. I can't beg a vampire, a demon, a half demon, and two normal people who can't even maintain loyalty to me for something I obviously don't need. I'm doing just fine on my own. I did help them when they needed it, with Fred. Of course, I did say I would never help Gunn or any of them again. I meant it, too. They are dead to me, just like I am dead to my father. I've successfully lost two families in my business and my life. Way to Go Wes! Like I said, I'm just great. Doing fine without them, without their betrayal that they stupidly call friendship.  
  
Isn't that a joke? I just slept with the most despicable woman that I have ever met. What has happened to me? What have I let myself become? It's their fault I'm this way. They pushed me over that edge. They left me with no one to turn to, so I turned to Lilah. Oh my God, what have I done? I have turned into the enemy that Angel sees me as. I was justified in taking Connor no matter what any of them think, but there's no justifying this. They will never welcome me back after this. I have slept with the enemy. I have turned. Not only turned, but to become one of the most despicable enemies Angel will ever face.  
  
Well, what harm did it really do? I might as well become what they see me as: the enemy. The betrayer, the damned Judas Iscariot of Angel Investigations. That should be me in Dante's hell and it will be. Why not live up to my destiny and damnation? I'll always have a job. These people will never be my family, not the way that Angel and Cordy and Gunn and Fred were, but I'll never find that again. There's always the morality, but I've fallen so far I don't think it matters anymore. What did doing the right thing ever get me anyway? It lost me my job, my life's calling, my friends, my family. Standing by Angel and saving him against the Council's wishes was the right thing to do. My father never forgave me for it and he never will. Why not disappoint him further? Taking Connor when I believed the prophecies to be true was the right thing. It cost me my friends, who were the only family I had left. Being the good guy never works for me. Maybe this is my destiny. Maybe this is my life's calling. I was meant to be the betrayer, the evil one, Angel's downfall. The right thing never did me any good, maybe the wrong thing will. I'll help Wolfram and Hart. They want Angel, I'll get him.  
  
My God, what am I thinking? I could never turn Angel over to them. That would be the ultimate betrayal, almost worse than taking his son to protect him. These people are the personification of true evil. I can't join them. It's like selling my soul. And what would I be selling it for? Job security? Revenge? I'm not the one who deserves retribution, even if I think I do. Angel deserves it. It would serve me right for him to kill me. I stole his son's childhood away from him. That's exactly what I did, isn't it? I stole time from him. I stole happiness. Angel has had such little happiness in his long life, what did I think I was doing? What the hell did I do tonight? Cordy and Fred and Gunn and Lorne, what did they really do wrong? They stuck by their friend. Just not by me. They were good friends. Just not to me. Why should they have been? I stole time from all of them. None of them got to see Connor grow up. I even stole time from myself. I love that boy. He was also part of my family and I stole important and precious time from that family. I didn't only betray Angel, I betrayed his son. I betrayed myself, in more ways than one. I betrayed my friends. Not the other way around. I could have logically solved the problem. I could have brought it up to the group. Maybe not Angel, but I could've at least called Cordy and Groo. I could've asked Fred her opinion. God, I could've even asked Lorne. I didn't do the right thing. This time I did the wrong thing and it was far worse than anything else I could've done. I'm useless. There's nothing left for me to do.  
  
I can't join Wolfram and Hart. Maybe I already did but there's still a solution. I can solve all of this. Disappear from everyone's life entirely, even from my own. Disappear from the world. Get my true punishment. Maybe it's weak, but I can't do this anymore. I can't live with the possibility that I have betrayed the only true family I've ever known. I can't even say goodbye to them. They'll never know how much they meant to me. They'll never know how I want to be forgiven and taken back. Gunn will always think I hated them up until the last. Maybe it's better that way. Then they won't know how weak I am. They won't be disappointed. They won't mourn me for very long, when I'm dead. 


End file.
